Battling With Anger & Depression As A Creative In Africa

My cousin recently told me that she thinks I like to struggle and that I like it when life is hard because of the decisions I make. I strongly objected because NOBODY likes to be broke, depressed, tired or angry all the time. It’s draining and exhausting. We all deserve the “soft life,” but it just takes a little bit longer for some of us to find peace and contentment.

I am obviously “Creative.” I stumbled into this world by need and not really by choice. I have always been somewhat artistic and I am a huge consumer of music and artistic content. I draw but I am not confident enough to show the world, and I sing but not brave enough to explore a career beyond my bathroom stall. When I joined Law School in 2014, my parents had been at the peak of a financial crisis that has defined my life to this very day and I was in all aspects “alone.” My dad during multiple occasions often said that “I am an adult now, so I should figure myself out” and I did.

I became a hustler and started doing odd jobs…I was that girl you would meet handing out gift bags at corporate events in a short black borrowed dress and uncomfortable heels, the girl at the supermarkets doing product promotions and even at the age of 18, I would tour different counties in a Tusker van, visiting country bars for KES 500 a day instead of being in class with my fellow comrades at UON. I did everything even TVCs and tried my hand at acting unsuccessfully.

It all started with a concert I helped throw that somehow got a lot of attention thanks to a bit of creative marketing that my friends and I subconsciously did on Facebook & Twitter and magically managed to garner the attention of people like Juliani, Elani, and Sage who came in-person to support a group of 10 talented youth that no one really knew at the time. We got TV interviews, newspaper articles, invites to exclusive events and I was hooked! Social media would be my ticket out…six years down the road, I am still hooked, I am still fighting, but the scars I have collected are deep and the chip on my shoulder keeps growing to the point that I don’t know if I have the strength to carry it.

There is this weird double-standard that Careers in the Creative Industry aren’t real careers that can be sustained forever. This despite Digital Skills being the top 10 in-demand skills in the world for more than three years in a row. When you tell someone you are a Content Creator, Photographer, Digital Marketer…there is an accepted lack of respect and seriousness because we were taught from early on that a respectable career meant that your a Doctor, Lawyer, Accountant, Engineer etc Brands and individuals alike feel like its perfectly alright to negotiate rates and charge what they feel is appropriate versus what are actually super fare rates because, “it’s just make-up”, “it's just social media” “it's just a picture” “it’s just a poster” or “it’s just clothes”.

I don’t think they realise how deep this statement cuts when most of us literally spend the majority of our time learning new methods and skills, with no one else to teach us but ourselves. Our services are often sought last minute and people feel entitled to define our KPIs and compensation without taking the time to understand what it is we do and what it takes to do it. And they do it knowing they will get away scot-free because as freelancers, there is no HR, Finance or Legal Department we can cc but ourselves.

Who are we going to complain to when our 5ks and 10ks and 20ks aren’t paid up in full? The police? (LOL)

The Kenyan creative industry is shouldered by millions of youth who are way under 30 and have found ways to monetize their skills under immense pressure and competition. For some of us, the windows of opportunity are not windows but tiny cracks. They are so small and few that when a person of influence offers you an opportunity to work for them it's often seen as a game-changer to escape the relentless struggle of poverty. It’s hard to describe the captivating power of a blue tick and how intoxicating an opportunity from someone you view as an icon or household name can be.

I often feel stupid. I feel like I am the slow one, I always say I won’t do a thing without a contract or deposit, but then someone always comes along and the idea is always so brilliant, I can’t miss out. It’s been six years and I feel like I am trapped in a self-made pond of sinking sand and my wins are so few and far between that, I can barely even acknowledge them even though I should, however small they are. I am often embarrassed about how much I have done and how little progress I have made and social media doesn’t make it easy. When “shit hits the fan” because it always does, and the person can’t or won’t pay or can only afford x instead of the quoted amount after my endless night marathons of doing what 1 do best, I find myself always trying to embody the Michelle Obama mantra about staying high when others go low…but I am all parts human, so I am all parts tired, so I really really want to go low, and sometimes I do. I send long ranting texts or make calls, but mostly I hide and cry and just feel stupid.

But then, I started having conversations with other creatives around me…turns out, I am not the only one triggered when I hear the term, “celebrity.” I am not the only one who keeps falling for the exposure trap. I am naturally happy that I am not alone in this collective foolishness driven by hope, but I am greatly depressed by the fact that we are so many it hurts to count. I know not all celebs are bad, I have been blessed to work with very many good ones who continue to give me jobs here and there, but when are the good ones, going to stand up and say something? Call out their colleagues and say hey, let’s build not break. I tried tweeting about it, made a hashtag even but, everyone is obsessed with everything else going on in the world because a lot is happening to actually care about our little herd of hurt Creatives. Besides, we probably will be told we should know better…

Most people will tell you that I am aggressive when it comes to money, and it's true. The thing that pisses me off the most is when people don’t pay me on time after I give them discounts and extras. I always give discounts and extras and most of the time, it's not because I should but because I love what I do so much that when someone says they can't afford X and they need it I am like okay, for you, let me just do it. I have never been in a position to understand how people expect me to maintain the same level of energy and commitment after they don’t pay me for months in a row when I have very real bills to pay and a very real son who needs food on the table and books for school?

The weirdest part about all of this is that the Creatives who have made it, are so hardened by their journies to success that their instinct is to protect what they have acquired (the ability to charge real and acceptable rates, the lucrative deals and the networks) and they guard it jealously because it is a business and they need to survive. Nobody can blame them… it is Darwinism. The same people who oppress us nobodies, hire them and forget us every time they land lucrative brand deals and with that our hopes and dreams crash and burn. We are like the other woman and the scorned wife all rolled into one depressing ball. And the biggest scam out of this whole experience is NO ONE IS HONESTLY BRAVE ENOUGH TO SHAME & NAME because let's be honest who can rock the boat when they are barely hanging on?

So we shut our mouths, swallow our pride, accept whatever rates they give us because (they are 50 other people just waiting for that 10k and opportunity), we remind ourselves to be grateful because there is little else we can do in the middle of a pandemic. After all, many other people can barely afford to eat and don't have jobs. We sell our youth to the lowest bidders over and over and over again, hoping one day somebody somewhere will see us and appreciate us for real.

We battle with trying not to resent the paths we took and we pretend that waking up in the morning isn’t a chore and push ourselves to tap tap tap into our creative wells by hiding in our work. It’s hard to live in a world when your passion becomes your biggest source of pain and regret.

I celebrated my 26th birthday recently and I made a vow to try and be better even though being a human is hard and very very weird. I am trying to learn to accept where I am in life, unlearn my bad habits, and put my chin up. I came to realize that having low self-esteem and believing everyone else is luckier than me is an easy path to take and not necessarily the best. I am actually teaching myself that if it doesn't feel right I have the power to say no. The biggest thing that I have learned is that the only person I am letting down by agreeing to work for free or peanuts is me. I have gotten so used to giving discounts and under-rating for the services I offer that my sister and brother-in-law actually had to make me see sense and show me the value of what I do.

Now that it is not just me and I have opened my little agency, I am so protective of my family (team). These scars are mine but they shouldn’t be everybodys. No one else should have to wait 6–7 years to figure out that they matter, and the work they are doing is important. I am trying to start or partner with an organisation or people that can offer support to young African Creatives. Anyone who can offer real tangible advice on how freelance creatives can protect themselves financially and legally, teach them how to create basic contracts, invoices, how to properly cost for their time and services and most importantly mental health advice on creating an effective work-life balance. Don’t hold back, reach out!

My email is chebet@voqlafrica.com and if you have time please follow me on Twitter or connect with me on LinkedIn.